Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay
by BoandNora-ItsOneWord
Summary: On the second anniversary of her sobriety, Nora reflects on the terrible choices she made after losing her child to drugs. With her marriage still on shaky ground, Nora must decide how much she's willing to change to fix things..or is it already too late to heal the hurt she has caused with her drinking? Slightly AU. Drew is still alive.
1. Preface

**Preface**

She traced the gold coin with the fancy letters with her fingers. She still had tears in her eyes when she read them. The serenity prayer was written in bold letters with the simple phrase "Two Years Clean and Sober" written in the middle. Sometimes it was still hard to believe she had found a reason to be here at all…others it haunted her that she had given up sobriety after over two decades in the first place. Today she was simply having a hard time facing her emotions.

"It's okay Nora," Mel Hayes said when he walked into the chapel and sat down beside her. "It's okay to feel these emotions. It's actually healthy." He had been her sponsor for the last two years and she didn't honestly know if she would be here without him. All those late night phone calls where she begged him to give her a reason…just one good reason…not to throw in the towel. What they don't tell you in all those meetings is how hard it will be to maintain the sobriety when every part of you wants a drink. What they don't tell you is that your life does not just go back to the way it was before you fell. They don't tell you that the second year is much harder than the first.

She forced a smile as she looked at him. He had been one of the only people in this word who didn't judge her…he had been where she was after all.

"Sometimes I wonder if it's all even worth it. Is Bo ever going to forgive me? Have I ruined everything with my friends?"

"You mean Hank don't you?"

She took a deep breath as she gathered her strength to continue. Hank was the elephant in the room. He was also the reason that her marriage was still on shaky ground two years after she got sober.

"I hate myself for what we did when we were grieving and _I_ was drunk out of my mind…but he's still my friend Mel. How am I supposed to be okay with that kind of absence in my life…even if it's supposedly good for my marriage?"

"You don't believe it is," he asked?

"I believe we all just need to sit down and talk…and _they_ need to stop treating me like some god damn china doll. This is _my_ fault. _I'm_ the one who betrayed my husband with my ex-husband. I know I don't have the right to even ask for forgiveness but I also know it's one of the steps…I just don't see how avoiding it is going to make it go away."

"Can I ask you something Nora?"

"Go ahead, "she prodded.

"What do you want? If you had to choose what is most important to you, what would that be?"

She took a moment to let the tears come…she had learned that the second year was full of unexpected emotions. She supposed that meant facing the truth head on.

"I want my husband back. I made so many mistakes when I was drinking Mel. I'm not sure I can fix what I broke but…but God Help me, I love this man…more then I probably should. I want him to trust me again. I want him to look at me like he used to."

"And Hank? Where does Hank fit in?"

"He's one of my very best friends. It kills me that we can't even be in the same room anymore. He's afraid to even talk to me because of what we did…because we had sex…and I can't say he's wrong because it kept happening. It was so wrong but when our daughter died…God, I didn't know how to be with my husband anymore…he didn't understand in the same way that Rachel's father did…and if I had been sober I would have realized how crazy that sounded. Except I didn't want to be sober. Losing Rachel to drugs just killed me in a way that I can't explain…I wanted to be numb…I didn't want to feel the loss…I didn't want to face how much I blamed myself…"

"Nora, that's the most important part of what you just said…You have to let go of the guilt…not just for Rachel's death, which by the way is NOT your fault…"

"I should have seen the signs…I should have gotten her help…. I'm her mother and I failed her…just like I failed my husband…"

Mel turned to face her…placing his hands on both of her cheeks…forcing her to look at him. "I am your sponsor but I am also your friend and I am going to tell you something you may not want to hear…You are NOT superwoman Nora. You can't control what other people do. You can only control yourself. If you want Bo to trust you again, you have to start with yourself. Learn to trust in yourself sweetheart…trust your decisions…Only then can you ask your husband or your friends to do the same."

"What if I don't know how?"

"Then ask for help…you know what that means don't you? What they teach you in AA…To trust in a power bigger then yourself…Why don't you take a few minutes to collect yourself…ask for guidance…The meeting won't start for another 30 minutes."

"Thank you Mel," she said, squeezing his hand. "Thank you from the bottom of my heart."

"I've been there sweetheart…I know how hard this can be…But I also know that you can do it. I'll be outside. Take all the time you need."

She heard the door shut and she looked up towards the cross. She was Jewish but she supposed in a time like this, it didn't really matter who she believed in…she just needed to believe in someone.

"Dear God," she said, getting to her knees. "I don't know if you can hear me but…please help me fix everything I broke. I know I made so many mistakes…mistakes that might not be forgivable. But the thing is…I love my husband so much. I hate myself for what I did to him…to us…for ruining my friendship and _his_ friendship with Hank. I know I need to learn how to trust myself again…learn how to forgive all of my mistakes but…I don't know how. How do I forgive the things I did while I was drinking when they were so cruel and heartless? Please help me. Oh please help me. I dont want to lose the man I love."

The only sound that could be heard now was the sound of her anguished cries as she remembered every ugly detail of what she had done…and prayed for forgiveness.


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One**  
 _Day One-_

 _Two hours, fifteen minutes, and seven seconds…_ that was how long it took for her baby girl to stop breathing. Rachel had gotten a batch of cocaine, laced with heroin when the desperation led her to the streets…and she had paid with her life.  
 _  
"Nora. Nora talk to me. Nora."_

She could hear her husband calling her name but she was unable to respond. She kept looking down at her daughter's lifeless corpse…her eyes now void of anything…She wished she had been able to cry or even to feel anger or loss…she couldn't feel a damn thing right now. It was as if she was watching some scene play out across the big screen…it couldn't possibly be happening to her?

Her eyes seemed hollow and unfocused as she struggled to catch her breath. She knew she was having a panic attack but she was suddenly struck with the need to escape…Her body temperature felt like it was on fire even as she shivered from the cold…She couldn't feel her fingers but she knew that her hands were shaking...her whole body was shaking,

"I think I'm going to be sick," she muttered. Those were the only words she spoke before she bolted. She was halfway down the road before she stopped and gave in to the retching of her stomach…and she purged over the railing of the bridge. She was distantly aware of her phone ringing in the pocket of her jeans but she ignored it. She didn't need anyone's pity tonight. She needed to be somewhere where nobody knew who she was or what she had been through. She needed to be alone and anonymous.

* * *

Bo watched his wife rush out the door and his first instinct had been to go to her…she looked like she was ten years old again…alone and scared. He didn't know the first thing about how it felt to lose a child in such a horrible way but he knew his wife…she would be drowning in guilt. The worst thing about loving someone was watching them drown and knowing they could save themselves if they would just pull themselves up…would Nora even _want_ to resurface from the waves when she had no child to hold any more?

"Don't…I know you want to make this okay for her Bo but you can't. Give her time to pull herself together. She lost her child."

"You did too Hank. I don't even have the words to say how sorry I am."

"There are no words Bo. You can't possibly understand."

Hank left Bo standing alone in the morgue, his heart aching for the life that was lost and the parents who loved her. How was he supposed to comfort his wife when she was pulling away?

* * *

She was vaguely aware of the blinking strobe lights and the smell of beer and cigarette's when she walked into the bar. The jukebox was playing some sappy love song but she blocked it out. How could the world keep on turning when a beautiful young woman just died?

"What's your pleasure," the tall, burly man behind the bar asked her? She wanted to tell him that pleasure didn't exist anymore but she knew that wasn't what he meant. She pulled out a wad of cash and threw it on the counter.

"Vodka Tonic…Keep them coming."

The bartender just nodded as he pocked the bills and handed her the first glass. She listened to the sound of the ice in the glass as she thought about whether or not she really wanted that drink. Twenty years of sobriety flushed down the drain when she tasted the clear liquid burning her throat…and reached for another. Maybe being drunk wasn't so bad after all. At least she didn't have to remember that her daughter was dead and it was all her fault.

* * *

He didn't sleep at all that night…he kept listening to the clock tick. Two, three, four am…still no sign of Nora. He had called her at least a dozen times but her phone went straight to voicemail. He was starting to think of scenarios where she was lying face down in a ditch…and his heart raced. He wanted to give her the time that she needed but he also needed to know that she was safe.

When the clock chimed 6 am, he was about to call in a search party…then the phone started chiming and he reached for it, dread settling in the pit of his stomach.

"Is this Bo Buchanan," the voice on the other line asked?

"Yes, how can I help you?"

"You can come pick up your wife. She's passed out drunk and I don't want her driving when she comes around. I found your number on her speed dial."

"I'll be there in five minutes. Can I have your address?"

The bartender gave Bo the address and he hung up the phone. Fear was turning to anger now. She spent the night in a bar instead of coming home to him…on the night her daughter died of a drug overdose. How was he _supposed_ to feel about that? He loved her like crazy...but he had never been so angry with her in his life. He thought they were a team...But instead of turning to him for support, his wife had chosen to throw away her sobriety...twenty years just gone.

 _"What the hell is wrong with you Nora_ ," he wondered, when he grabbed the car keys and headed out the door. Despite everything, he would still come when she was bleeding...if she had ever been bleeding, it was now.


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

 _Day Seven—_

She looked out at all the blank faces sitting in the front of the church. She wished she could conjure up some sort of sympathy for them...be hit with some inspirational words of wisdom...The truth was that all she felt was rage.

"I guess I'm supposed to talk about my daughter's life and how sorry I am that she's not with us anymore," Nora began. "Truthfully what the hell is that going to do to bring my daughter back? Where the hell _were_ all of you when she was alive? Why are you sitting there with your stoic expressions and your phony sympathy? _She needed you when she was alive...she needed all of you..."_

She could see the looks coming from the people gathered in the pews...they thought they were here to mourn a girl that everyone loved...now they were holding their heads in shock..." What? Don't look at me like I've lost my mind...you've thought it...you have _all_ thought it...I'm just the only one who has the balls to say anything."

"Nora stop...Stop doing this to yourself," Bo said.

"What am I doing Bo? Are you embarrassed by me now? Well I'm sorry if I can't be the model of a perfect Buchanan wife right now...I'm a little passed the point of caring what people think of me."  
 _  
"You don't care about anything right now_ ," he said. "But I do. I'm not going to let you use Rachel's memorial as an excuse..."

" _Excuse me sweetheart but you don't let me do anything_ ," she barked. "And I don't _need_ an excuse to do _anything._ I am perfectly capable of figuring out my own way. "

"Get her off the altar," Hank whispered to Bo. " _Get her off the damn altar. She's drunk_."

Bo didn't need Hank to tell him what he already knew but he was already walking towards the front of the church. Hank and R.J. were behind him. "You aren't capable of figuring _anything_ out right now. Not when you're three sheets to the wind."

"Who gives you the right to judge me huh? Just because I need a little help..."

" _A Little,_ " he said, taking hold of one of her arms. "It's not even twelve o'clock and you can't even stand."

 _"Get your hands off me...get your fucking hands off me,_ " she screamed.

"Would you prefer that I carry you because at this point, it's up to you? "

Hank took hold of her other arm and seemed to catch the fury in those brown eyes just as her husband did. "Nora, please...please listen to your husband. Rachel wouldn't want this for you."

That set her off...she was suddenly pounding her fists into his chest. " _What the hell do you know what Rachel wanted? You don't know Hank. You weren't there any more than I was. We weren't there Hank...We weren't for our baby and now she's gone...she's gone. "_

It took three people to finally get Nora out of the church...She might have been drunk but she wasn't weak. Hank and R.J. helped Bo get her into the truck when she finally passed out.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do for her, you know? She's determined to destroy every last bit of her life..."

"So you don't let her, "Hank said. "You know she's testing you. She does that when she's hurting this bad. Don't let her push you that far. She won't say it but she needs you. She needs you more than ever now."

"Yeah," he said, and Hank left in the direction of the church. R.J. and Bo had never been close but the one thing they had I common was their love for Nora and Rachel. "Look, I know we don't like each other very much but I'm going to give you some advice because I do care about your wife. I've seen how bad she gets when she gets drunk. Don't let her get out of control again. I'm not sure she can handle the consequences if she goes down that road again. "

"I'm not sure _any_ of us can," he said.

"I know you don't believe it but I honestly hope that Nora finds her way back from this. She's come too far to throw it all away like this."

Bo didn't say anything then...He didn't have to. R.J left him alone as he went to join his brother back at the church. He and R.J. didn't have anything in common on most days but today...today he didn't hate the man as much as he did yesterday.

He climbed into his truck and looked over at his wife sadly...He could only hope they made it home before she woke up.

"I wish you could tell me what you need," he said. There was a part of him that was so angry at her and another part of him who just loved her so much. All he wanted in this moment was to get her home safe so she couldn't hurt herself anymore...at least long enough for her to sleep it off. He would figure out what to do next when it came


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

 _Month One—_

He heard her come in the previous night when it was way too late to be having a discussion. In the last few weeks she had started spending time away from home…away from _him_ …and the resentment started to grow. It wasn't even about the fact that he missed her, though in truth, he did…it was mostly just about the sad reality that he was scared for her.

People had told him time and time again that he should walk away from her and let her find her _own_ way…except one look at her red rimmed eyes and fitful body, unaware she was covered in Vomit, and he just couldn't. No matter what, she was still his wife and he loved her… _in sickness and in health._

He could smell the bitter stink of what seemed to have a repulsive odor reminiscent of stale garbage and he had to bite back his own need to vomit as he shook her. Her hair was tangled from the restless night she spent and he could tell her world was spinning when she tried to get up too fast. He wasn't about to let her waste the day away any longer.

" _You need to get up. You stink. "_

"Well Good morning to you too," she shot back.

" _Don't start this crap with me_. _If you want to come in at 4 am, missing half your clothes, then at least have the decency to get yourself up and showered. You are not allowed to skip your day in court…people are counting on you Nora…get out of bed…and clean up this fucking vomit. It's disgusting."_

He started to walk away when suddenly he heard her familiar cries and he couldn't stop himself from turning around. He had never been good at listening to her cry. She was still unsteady on her feet when she turned to him. " _I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry."_

" _I wish I believed that,_ " he said, as he helped her off the bed. " _I wish I believed anything out of your mouth right now._ I don't think you even _remember_ coming home last night do you?"

"What do you want me to say Bo…If you don't want me to apologize…"

" _I want you to stop this…I want you to stop breaking promises_ …this isn't you Nora. None of this is you. I can't watch you do this to yourself."

He slams the door on his way down the stairs and she can hear him picking up the phone…calling the courthouse to say she's had a family emergency and is running late. As usual he's cleaning up her messes. As angry as he is, he still saves her. She doesn't deserve him but she resents him too. She resents that he can't possibly understand what she is going through…and maybe he doesn't want to.

She picks herself up off the ground and walks to the bathroom. She turns on the water and lets it wash away her tears.

* * *

She comes home from court and finds him staring out the window. He was waiting for her no doubt.  
 _  
"Say it Bo. Whatever the hell you want to say, just say it."_

"I'm not going to say _anything_ right now. Not when you are _trying_ to pick a fight."

" _I don't need a fucking babysitter okay_ …You _didn't_ need to hire me a driver…I am _perfectly capable_ of driving on my own."

" _Not if you are intoxicated…Don't you get that Nora? You could kill someone…"_

"Like Sarah right…that's what this is about…you don't want me to turn into the same bastard who killed her right?"

"I don't want you to do _anything_ you might regret when you are sober."

"The _only_ thing I regret right now is coming home."

She stalked into the kitchen so she didn't have to see that hurt look on his face… and pulled out a glass. She was reaching into the liquor cabinet only to discover that it was locked.

" _Open the damn door Bo. I need a drink._ "

" _Really? You are going to stand there and tell me you need a drink after last night? What the hell is wrong with you?"_

" _You are not my fucking keeper okay…Stop treating me like an invalid."_

" _Start acting like you deserve it."_

" _I really hate you right now," she screamed. "I really fucking hate you."_  
 _  
"I think the person you hate right now is yourself,_ " he said.

 _Damn him, she thought. Damn him for being able to still read her like a book._ She did hate him she told herself. She really did despise him.

" _Go to hell Bo,"_ she finally said, pulling out a plate and throwing it at him.

" _Already there,_ " he bit back.

She started turning over furniture in an angry rage…yelling at him for being such an insensitive jerk…and then he grabbed her…grabbed her before she could get a hold of anything else.

" _Does that make you feel any better,_ " he asked her? "You can break everything in this damn house if you want. We _both_ know it won't cure what ails you.

" _Fuck you,_ " she said.

He wanted to come back with something just as hurtful but he was tired of this war. He was tired of watching her sink. He thought about walking away from her and ending it right here and now but then he made the mistake of letting her go…looking into her eyes just one more time…and he was suddenly struck by how much he still loved her.

He gathered her face in his hands…eagerly letting his lips trail over hers…hot, needy desire coursing through them. " _I miss my wife okay. Damn it, I miss my wife."_

He wasn't under any Illusions that she would suddenly change for him when she never had before…but in this moment, he wanted to taste her more than he wanted to breathe. He hated the woman she was becoming when she drank but he still loved her in spite of it all. He couldn't help himself.

" _I miss you too,_ " she cried, and suddenly they were like rabid animals…clawing at each others clothes…kissing with hungry need…crashing against the wall as more dishes broke…her naked body quivering around him as he plunged into her over and over again…love and passion taking them over the edge of ecstasy.

In the morning when he hoped to find her draped over him sweaty and spent like every time before, he found her empty space. He knew that allowing her to get to him was a mistake but sometimes love made you stupid. Making love to her had always been his salvation…tonight it was betrayal…she had taken his keys and disappeared. _He felt nothing but disappointment._


	5. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four**

 _Month Two_

She walked as if she had no sight; Stumbling, as her words became just as unsteady. The Judge was losing patience with her, his eyes now narrowed in a cold stare. It was time for her to give her closing statement but she could not manage to walk a straight line. Her temper was quick and not easily dissipated.

 _It was like waiting for a bomb to go off._

" _Stop looking at me like that Tim,_ " she snapped at her client. _"I'm_ not the one who can't keep his pants on. "

She noticed the look of pain in his wife's face and she suddenly slammed her hand over her mouth in a gesture of mortification. "I'm not supposed to say that am I?"

" _Shut up. Would you fucking shut up,_ " her client yelled. The woman who regarded secrets as sacred suddenly couldn't shut up about them.

"Oh come on Tim, it's not the end of the world. You _are_ kind- of sexy, you know. It is no wonder the women cannot keep their hands off you. "

Her eyes were dark and shadowy as she cast a glance at him—a look that most people recognized as sensual. She was far too good at playing the game.

 _He wanted to jump out of his seat and drag her away…but he did not. He was far too angry to speak._

She took another step forward but this time she was louder. _"Oh what's the matter? You think I do not know when a man is playing me. I fucking know okay. You are just like the rest of them…You are a fucking liar…a liar okay. Did everyone hear that?"_

 _"I'm pretty sure the whole fucking courthouse heard that_ ,"Bo snapped. She did not hear a word her husband said. She was already attacking her client, calling him every name from dick to Varmint.

" _Order. Order in the court,_ " the judge was yelling as he slammed the gravel down in repetition. Bo wanted to go to her, as a good husband should except he found his legs physically unable to move. _The woman he was looking at has his wife's face but she is not his wife at all…not even close._

"I want my wife back,

" he found himself saying instead. She called out for him when the bailiff slapped the handcuffs on her. He did not look at her…he could not stand to see a stranger in her eyes.

The next thing he remembered was a mad dash to the restroom where he threw up what was left of his lunch. The stress was finally getting to him.

* * *

" _Why the hell do you keep making excuses for her,_ " Hank asked. " _She needs help Bo. She needs a lot more than the last time."_

"Don't you think I know that," he snapped. "Don't you think I _want_ to leave her twisting in the wind?"

"Then why don't you?"

" _Because she's my wife…and at the end of the day, as angry as she makes me, I still love her._ You and I _both_ know that if she goes before a disciplinary board again, she'll be disbarred."

"Maybe she deserves it."

"Maybe she does and maybe I _am_ enabling her but when this is all over, I _don't_ want to be the reason she can't practice law. "

" _What makes you think this will end Bo? If she continues down this road, the only place she will go is in the same grave that Rachel sent herself. Do you really want to be responsible for that?"_

* * *

He stood at the jail cell and watched her. She would wake up and not have a clue what she did. How could he get angry with her for things she did when she was not in control?

 _Because in his mind she chose the bottle over him and it hurt. He actually wished he could hate her._

He put the keys into the cell and walked inside. He did not know if he should wait for her to open her eyes or just act now. He picked up the bucket of ice- cold water and dumped it over her body before he could change his mind. She shot up like lightning.

" _What the hell is wrong with you,_ " she snapped.

" _What's wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you? For God's sake Nora, do you have any idea why you are even here?"_

Her silence spoke the truth and for a moment, he thought about leaving her there.

"Maybe Hank was right. Maybe I should have let you rot."

" _What the hell did I do that was so bad?"_

"The fact that you don't know that should tell you something…get up, we're going home."

He pulled her up from the ground but there was no warmth. He dragged her all the way to the car without saying a word. She kept trying to pry information out of him but he would not tell her anything...He wouldn't even look at her.

"Do you hate me Bo? Is that why you won't look at me? Did I finally do something to turn you against me?"

" _You think I hate you? God what I would give to be able to hate you? I can't hate you Nora. How the hell can I hate you when you are the person I love most in this world?"_

He was angry enough to do something stupid so he pulled off to the side of the road.

"You're scaring me Red. No, that's not accurate. I am physically paralyzed with fear. I am scared to death of losing you."

"Bo..."

" _You want to know what terrifies me the most huh? It is the fact that you have no idea how screwed up your life is right now. You think you are invincible Nora…well guess what…you are not invincible. I don't want to be the one who has to identify your body the way you identified Rachel's…because one day you are going to end up the same way she did…it's not if Nora…It's when."_

Her eyes did not even register emotion…he never wanted to leave her more than in this moment.


End file.
